My Drug

There are different ways people deal with stress. And i am no exception to this. My self I drive. I love to drive. And i know what some of you may be thinking. That is if you have read some of my previous post. Thats not very girl like of you. Well I am kind of a tomboy when it comes to cars. Just something about them calms me down. When I drive the world around me goes blank. I become one with the car. I can feel the road beneath me. I can feel every bump. Every peace of gravel. I can feel the wind pushing against the car trying to hold it back. I can even feel the way the motor runs. If its not running right i can tell it. So many things about driving calms me down. When I am upset I drive. Its almost like my car has a soul. It talks to me. Alot of people would say i was crazy when i say that. But its true. The car speaks to me. I know when to push it and when not too. One thing I like to do is just for a few minutes after work I will drive down the road a bit and pull over. I will get out of my car and climb on top of roof. I will lay down and enjoy the night air. There is no feeling like it. And people keep on telling me to get rid of my car. because its old and a little rusty. Sure it has its problems. But telling me to get rid of my car is like telling me to sell a part of my soul it will never happen. When I first saw the car. It was like it was speaking to me. I remember sitting in the drivers seat for the first time. It was magical. I knew that it was car that I was meant to drive. Its been every were with me. Not one night goes by that I don't think about it a little. I know one day we will have to part ways. but i hope that we don't have to do that for a long time. I know it sound like I am talking about the car like its a person. Well it is to me. But I will quit bloging for now. so good night every one.

starting to VLOG

as you know i have a youtube channel. well on that youtube channel i am going to start Vloging. And i am in need of subscribers so i am asking any one who wants to help me out. to please subscribe to my youtube channel just search for byxman89 and you will find me. I am also needing to have a subject to talk about every time i record a video. keep in mind i only have a 10min window to record in. So if you or any one you know has any suggestions to a topic we can talk about on the vlog. Please feel free to post a comment on here or on my youtube channel. Or you can send my a pm on youtube. your choice. But any way i am not going to stay on here and tell you about what my plans are. So i will blog again soon.

bad day

Well here i am again a little depressed. I had a hard day at work. And that kind of sent me into that dark place i don't like to go to in my head. The place were I hid for so many years. It started off good. that was until i found out that two people were having guest and they was putting them on my side. Note: one had two guest the other 5. and my side normally only has 7 tables open. But i ended up having to go into the club room and setting up two more tables that sucked so bad. And then after all that was said and done. i got every thing cleaned up and went into the back to eat my lunch. Next thing i know is a girl from house keeping comes in and starts fussing at me for sometihng I did not do. And that upset me. And sent me into the dark place. And when that happens I start going down hill fast. The rest of the day I was fighting back the tears so i could keep working and the residents could not tell something was wrong. I did my crying on the way home. but yeah that was my day. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Here I am

Here I am looking upon the clouds.

In my mind these thoughts they crowd.

Just another page in a book.

Some people should take another look.

All they see is the outside of me.

But what's on the inside is what I truly be.

Every night I pray.

I will wake up a girl the next day.


I was just sitting here when this popped into my head. this happens from time to time. I just happened to be sitting at the computer this time.

Life is going to get very interesting.

Well here i am once again bloging. this is something i enjoy doing. It really lets me get alot of stuff off my mind. but any way lets get down to the main reason i am typing this today. Kurtney is down for a visit and that makes me happy. she is one of the ones that know about me. And she is trying to get me to open up to her. And I am trying. Even though I know she would not try to hurt me. Im still afraid to come out to her fully. Its something thats just hard to do. Like last night I let her do my make-up. that was so fun. But i had to wash it off fast. I had to work today and that would have just been bad for me. No one at work knows about me. and i am glad. But I am trying to throw around some hints here and there, but alot of people now days are stupid and don't catch on very easy. Like at the beach I bought some silly bands. And some of them are pink. I LOVE PINK!!! And i have been wearing them around work and stuff. But I have only had a few ask me why I was wearing pink. I responded with. Whats the problem with boys wearing pink. All it is. Is a color. It shut them up. But im just waiting for some of the head people to ask me. Then I will load their heads with so much stuff they did not know. It will be funny. Cause really back before the 60s Pink was a guys color. But after that it was considered a female color. And on the outside I may be male. But on the inside. I am female and don't you forget it. But any way. Before I just start to randomly ramble about how messed up the world is. Im going to get off here. so bye every one.

Living Transgender

Ok if know me then you know that I have always been shy around people when I first meet them. One reason behind that is me being transgender. It has made a huge impact on my life. But any way on to the point of this entry. When I was real little around the age of 6 I realized that something was not right. And soon after things just started falling into place. It was around the end of my kindergarten year and I was playing by my self like I always did. When the girls in the class invited me to play with them. Immediately I felt welcome. I felt like I belonged. They would dress me up. And it felt so right. I even acted like a girl. Of coarse then. I had no clue what the difference was between boys and girls. But this when on until the 2nd grade when i moved to a different school. And my dad had the talk with me. This is something that upset very bad. I became really confused and didn't know who I was. I started crying at night thinking about it. And every day was a battle. And I was starting to get bullied at school for being the weird kid in class. I was getting bullied every day. And my grades were dropping. This lasted six months before we moved again. And this time it was back to the school I left. I was again playing with the girls and acting like one. But they could tell something was wrong but I would not talk about. Thinking they would not want to play with me. This went on up till the end of the third grade. My parents had split up and I was devastated. The school had me in counseling trying to help me. And that did nothing. Eventually I locked the real me away inside. Just so I could fit in. And I stayed like that for years. It didn't start to resurface until I started Middle school. And thats when the bullying started again. Along with my turrets. I was soon taken out of school and was home bound until my sophomore year of high school. And by this time is was just ready to kill my self. I did not care any more. There was a war going on inside of me that was killing me. I knew I was a girl but the outside did not match. I would look at the other girls in their cute clothes and get so jealous. They had what I wanted. And I remained unhappy till I met Daniel. I could tell he was different from all the rest. He looked deeper than just skin. He looked into the real me. And Before I knew it. We were like brother. You could not get us apart. And the same goes for Cory. they were true friends and that was something I had been missing for a long time. And out friendship still holds true to this day. We have never fought. We understand each other. Heck you can just call us family cause thats what we are. But I still knew that I hurt on the inside. And it took me forever to do it. But I told Daniel that I was transgender. I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be my friend any more but that was not the case. He accepted it. Like he already knew. And that made me feel so much better inside. But still its a battle every day.

Lifes Curve Ball

Life is something that know one understands. It can be good and it can be bad. And sometimes just wrong. But in my life it has been one Curve Ball after another. So many things have happened to me throughout life. So good things. Like meeting the friends I have now. Who I will always love. They have been with me through some tough times and I think you for that. Daniel Potter. My best friend of all. He may not know this. But he has saved my life. Back when I came back to school from being home bound. I had only a few friends and they was just off doing there own thing. Not really thinking about me. They was out parting and doing drugs. While I was fighting a loosing battle. My life had took a turn for the worst. I had been abused for 8 years and had lost all hope. I had planed to kill my self. But something happened that stopped me in my tracks. I met Daniel. He took me into his group. Which is the most unpopular kids in the school. But they are fun. He showed me what true friendship was. The thoughts about killing my self slowly went away as the days passed. I was becoming happy when I was around him. Even though I went home and got abused night after night. I was always happy when morning came around just so i could see Daniel again. Along with Daniel came Cory, Ricky, Cody, Shelley, Kelly, and many more people that I owe my life to. But even though I had great friends that cared about me. Life still remained a battle for awhile. Because of my stepfather. Then one night I was filled with so much hate for the man. I snapped when he started in on me. I blacked out from the rage. And came to standing over his body. With blood all over my hands. I had almost killed him. I moved out 2 weeks later. And started a new life. But still keeping my friends close by. And still there is a secret that I have been keeping for my whole life that has tore me up on the inside. I have laid awake at night thinking about it. Only 3 people know the secret and one is Daniel. Along with his cousin, and his Girl Friend. And now I am tired of hiding it. If I don't tell more people its just going to kill me. So for all my friends who read this. I am transgender. I am a girl in a boys body. I know it don't make any since. But it is the truth. I would not make that up. I have been this way for a very long time. I hate my body. I have a penis when know i should have a vagina. Every thing is just wrong on my body. The only thing female on this body is my hands. I pray every night just to wake up as a girl. But it never happens. I can't tell my family this cause they will disown me. So one day. I will end up having the body i wish to have. But not any time soon. But all I ask is to accept me for who I am. Not what I am. I am a GIRL!!! not a boy. even though I still love girls. I am one. But this is all i have to say.