Here I am

Here I am looking upon the clouds.

In my mind these thoughts they crowd.

Just another page in a book.

Some people should take another look.

All they see is the outside of me.

But what's on the inside is what I truly be.

Every night I pray.

I will wake up a girl the next day.


I was just sitting here when this popped into my head. this happens from time to time. I just happened to be sitting at the computer this time.

Life is going to get very interesting.

Well here i am once again bloging. this is something i enjoy doing. It really lets me get alot of stuff off my mind. but any way lets get down to the main reason i am typing this today. Kurtney is down for a visit and that makes me happy. she is one of the ones that know about me. And she is trying to get me to open up to her. And I am trying. Even though I know she would not try to hurt me. Im still afraid to come out to her fully. Its something thats just hard to do. Like last night I let her do my make-up. that was so fun. But i had to wash it off fast. I had to work today and that would have just been bad for me. No one at work knows about me. and i am glad. But I am trying to throw around some hints here and there, but alot of people now days are stupid and don't catch on very easy. Like at the beach I bought some silly bands. And some of them are pink. I LOVE PINK!!! And i have been wearing them around work and stuff. But I have only had a few ask me why I was wearing pink. I responded with. Whats the problem with boys wearing pink. All it is. Is a color. It shut them up. But im just waiting for some of the head people to ask me. Then I will load their heads with so much stuff they did not know. It will be funny. Cause really back before the 60s Pink was a guys color. But after that it was considered a female color. And on the outside I may be male. But on the inside. I am female and don't you forget it. But any way. Before I just start to randomly ramble about how messed up the world is. Im going to get off here. so bye every one.

Living Transgender

Ok if know me then you know that I have always been shy around people when I first meet them. One reason behind that is me being transgender. It has made a huge impact on my life. But any way on to the point of this entry. When I was real little around the age of 6 I realized that something was not right. And soon after things just started falling into place. It was around the end of my kindergarten year and I was playing by my self like I always did. When the girls in the class invited me to play with them. Immediately I felt welcome. I felt like I belonged. They would dress me up. And it felt so right. I even acted like a girl. Of coarse then. I had no clue what the difference was between boys and girls. But this when on until the 2nd grade when i moved to a different school. And my dad had the talk with me. This is something that upset very bad. I became really confused and didn't know who I was. I started crying at night thinking about it. And every day was a battle. And I was starting to get bullied at school for being the weird kid in class. I was getting bullied every day. And my grades were dropping. This lasted six months before we moved again. And this time it was back to the school I left. I was again playing with the girls and acting like one. But they could tell something was wrong but I would not talk about. Thinking they would not want to play with me. This went on up till the end of the third grade. My parents had split up and I was devastated. The school had me in counseling trying to help me. And that did nothing. Eventually I locked the real me away inside. Just so I could fit in. And I stayed like that for years. It didn't start to resurface until I started Middle school. And thats when the bullying started again. Along with my turrets. I was soon taken out of school and was home bound until my sophomore year of high school. And by this time is was just ready to kill my self. I did not care any more. There was a war going on inside of me that was killing me. I knew I was a girl but the outside did not match. I would look at the other girls in their cute clothes and get so jealous. They had what I wanted. And I remained unhappy till I met Daniel. I could tell he was different from all the rest. He looked deeper than just skin. He looked into the real me. And Before I knew it. We were like brother. You could not get us apart. And the same goes for Cory. they were true friends and that was something I had been missing for a long time. And out friendship still holds true to this day. We have never fought. We understand each other. Heck you can just call us family cause thats what we are. But I still knew that I hurt on the inside. And it took me forever to do it. But I told Daniel that I was transgender. I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be my friend any more but that was not the case. He accepted it. Like he already knew. And that made me feel so much better inside. But still its a battle every day.

Lifes Curve Ball

Life is something that know one understands. It can be good and it can be bad. And sometimes just wrong. But in my life it has been one Curve Ball after another. So many things have happened to me throughout life. So good things. Like meeting the friends I have now. Who I will always love. They have been with me through some tough times and I think you for that. Daniel Potter. My best friend of all. He may not know this. But he has saved my life. Back when I came back to school from being home bound. I had only a few friends and they was just off doing there own thing. Not really thinking about me. They was out parting and doing drugs. While I was fighting a loosing battle. My life had took a turn for the worst. I had been abused for 8 years and had lost all hope. I had planed to kill my self. But something happened that stopped me in my tracks. I met Daniel. He took me into his group. Which is the most unpopular kids in the school. But they are fun. He showed me what true friendship was. The thoughts about killing my self slowly went away as the days passed. I was becoming happy when I was around him. Even though I went home and got abused night after night. I was always happy when morning came around just so i could see Daniel again. Along with Daniel came Cory, Ricky, Cody, Shelley, Kelly, and many more people that I owe my life to. But even though I had great friends that cared about me. Life still remained a battle for awhile. Because of my stepfather. Then one night I was filled with so much hate for the man. I snapped when he started in on me. I blacked out from the rage. And came to standing over his body. With blood all over my hands. I had almost killed him. I moved out 2 weeks later. And started a new life. But still keeping my friends close by. And still there is a secret that I have been keeping for my whole life that has tore me up on the inside. I have laid awake at night thinking about it. Only 3 people know the secret and one is Daniel. Along with his cousin, and his Girl Friend. And now I am tired of hiding it. If I don't tell more people its just going to kill me. So for all my friends who read this. I am transgender. I am a girl in a boys body. I know it don't make any since. But it is the truth. I would not make that up. I have been this way for a very long time. I hate my body. I have a penis when know i should have a vagina. Every thing is just wrong on my body. The only thing female on this body is my hands. I pray every night just to wake up as a girl. But it never happens. I can't tell my family this cause they will disown me. So one day. I will end up having the body i wish to have. But not any time soon. But all I ask is to accept me for who I am. Not what I am. I am a GIRL!!! not a boy. even though I still love girls. I am one. But this is all i have to say.

Life Of A Street Racer 2

Now i have told about my drift experience. And some about my street racing. Well lets just say with a new town comes new challenges. After I moved here I started looking for new racers to test my skills against. I told you of my first race here on my last post but here is more on the racing i have not told you about. After i beat the honda stuff started moving fast for me. It seemed like every time i got out im my car some one new wanted to try me. And i never back down from a good race. Like when i first drove over here and i followed my dad. me and him got into one on the final 6 miles home. I remember it all to well. Mostly because I caught air comming off a bridge going i dont know how fast. But time to reflect on closer races. I had one right before july 4th that was fun. and guy in a 240sx had been following me for a long time. then when we pulled down onto the road i live on wich is on the other side of a one lane tunnel. i stoped and he came up beside me and said let me race that beast. i could tell he was going to be cocky as most racers are. The car he was driving looked nice. It had a full body kit, 17' wheels a carbon fiber wing roof scoop. tons of body mods but none to the motor. So i tell him to follow me. so he does till i come up to what i call the test course were i test run my car. But its accualy just a realy curvy road with pleanty of bums and stuff. He honks his horn 3 times and we take off. I take a quik lead on him. but he stays with me untill around turn 5. when his rear end comes around on him and he hits the ditch. Opon seeing this I wip the car around in the road and head back towards him. i get there and he is just sitting in the car with a red face cusing up a storm. I help him out of the car and we inspect the damage. The whole rear end of the car was smashed. it was no longer driveble. Then he cracked a joke. he said. DANG if i could of kept her on the road i could of had you. then he smiled and said. when i get this thing fixed look out cause i will be looking for another race. the only thing i had to say was your on. and we left it at that.

how i got started in the drifting world.

it started when i got my license. i would go over to a gravel back road down by watauga lake. and practice drifting around the gravel turn which is hard to do concidering if you mess up you will either go off into a ditch or you will slide off the bank into the water below. After i felt like i had mastered that. i took to drifting backroads all along johnson county. my favorite being copper head road. yes the same one in the song. after that i was comming home from daniels house and decided to try forge creek. So i came out of daniels road and redlined at 6000rpm in first gear. shifted to second and chirped my tires. Then i redlined at 6000rpm once again. Shifted rpms droped to 4500rpms. i was now at the first turn. So i turn outwards then downshift to second while turning inwards sharply. rpms hit 7500 and i feel the drift start. so i feather the gas as i go around the turn. once i was through the turn i kicked her into a strait line and started up the hill towards the biggest and most dangerous turn. Opon topping the hill. i am running in 4th gear at 3500rpm i then turn outwards downshift to third and turn in hard. motor running at 6500rpms. once the drift was started i aplyed some counter stear making sure not to over do it or i would hit the gard rail. about half way down the hill i started to get to close to the rail so i let off the gas for a sec and taped the brake the aplied the gas. again. this alowed me to pull away from the rail enough so i could make it down the himm while keeping the drift. once off the hill i slowed my car down and pulled off to the side of the road and got out of the car to inspect the hill that i had just came down. I was tempted to do it again but i said better not push my luck tonight. so after that i just drove on home. the next night i was at work and it was raining so the parking lot was slick. so after we closed i decided to have some fun while the others took a smoke break. i got in my car and proceeded to drift around the parking lot. after that i was always looking for the next rain so i could practice more. a time came were i was heading home from daniels and i was speeding as i usualy do at night. i came around a turn and a car passed me and put its breaks on. then i saw blue lights. Automaticly I drop it down to third and take off like a bulit. Then I turn off my lights and find a back road to go down. At the same time i pull down the back road the cop sees the reflector on the rear of my car so he too cuts down the road. Here i am driving no lights going around 65 70mph on a curvy road. trying my best to keep a few turns ahead of the cop. Once i got to the end of the road i turned around to see if i could double back and see if i could shake him So i turn my lights back on and drive the speedlimit back his direction. And watch as he passes me. I pull into a person drive way and turn off the car just in case he came back. i waited there for arounf 10min before i took back off and went home. So months passed and i just kept getting better and better at it. then came a big snow and i had just got my car fixed. and i was at work. there was a foot of snow on the ground on we decided to close the store early because of the snow. i was chosen to take some of the workers home because they knew i could drive in it better than most. But at the same time i was happy cause i got to drift in the snow while taking them home. it was very fun. after that snow fall my car was messed up again. i had rupsured a linkage on my split drive shaft. it took about three weeks to get it road worthy again. then a few months passed and i was growing tired of mountain city cause there was nothing there for me exept friends. My dad offered to let me live with him over here in marion nc. So i jumped at the chance to out of mountain city. Sure it was hard to do but it had to be done. Just a few days after i had moved in. i was out roming the town getting to know my surroundings. When a honda civic pulls up beside me at a red light and the dude starts to talk trash about my car. So i said to him. Why dont you put your motor were your mouth is. I bet you $50 i will kill that honda. Your on he said. So i sit there waiting for the light to turn green and he is reving the engine putting on a big show. And i just sit there with a grin on my face. Then boom the light turns and i take off burning rubber. He kept with me till i hit 3rd then i was gone. I got stoped at a red and he pulled up beside me and said. Quote: DAMN BOY THAT THING IS QUICK. He then asked me to go to the walmart parking lot. So i go to walmart and park beside him. We get out off our cars and he came over to me and shook my hand. Then handed me $50 and said you earned it. We stood there and talked for about an hour when he said. How about you come to the track this weekend and race. I asked what type of race. he replied circut and drift. I accepted the invite. the next thing i know i was at the track and was being put up against mustangs, camaros, civics, 240sx,s and others. i was the only one driving a 29 year old car. I ran the circut and came in third. then we switched over to freestyle drift. So as i was running. i was not aware there was some people in the stands looking for talent. After i was done and was sitting in the pits. a guys comes up to me and says. I want you to drive in a event on the 1st of july here. i asked what type. and he said you will have a chance to get into FormulaD if you win. So i accepted. The first comes around and i go to the track. There were 2 races going on that day and in order to compete in the drifting i also had to compete in the circut race. I won the circut event then came the drifting. and i made it to the final round. and that is were i learned that the guy i would be racing was no rookie. It was Sam Hubinet from the FormulaD series. I knew i was in trouble when i saw him pull up beside me. He was driving a new charger pushing 560hp. First heat he was the lead car and i was having trouble keeping up with him. Then came the second heat were i was the leader. As much as i tried i could not pull away from him. Then came the results of the race. Sam had beat me by alot. But after all was said and done he came up to me and said. You have to be the best rookie i have ever drove with. Sorry you did not make it. but i look forward to racing you next year. With that he left. Since then i have been invited to some races. And that is how i have been paying to maintain my car. I have placed bets with every person i have raced since then. and made alot off that. but that is how i got into the drift scene.

family

Family is a important thing in life. many people know this in life even i do. but let me ask you this what is family. there is many different types of family the good type thats all ways there for you and the bad type that you think cares for you but when something happens to you or someone you love and care for they turn and run. I have found that this is something that appears alot in life if you study the world around you. myself i have both types of family in my life. but what do you concider family. i concider my friends, and relatives family. most of them are all ways there for me when i need them, but there are some of them that dont give a crap what happens to me. But here recently i found out what true family is. My father and his girlfriend. saw that i was under alot of stress and lossing weight fast. My nerves were bad and i felt like i was at rock bottom. sure i had friends to hang out with and my mother, but i still felt like something was missing in my life. i was missing happynes. and about a week ago i asked my father to take me in. i was willing to quit my job and start over. my father said come on. so that day i got on the phone and told my mom i was moving out. what confused me was she was not upset or any thing like that. That struck me as odd, at the time but then i got to thinking how much she was not around any more. i never got to spend any time with her. and the only time she was around was on payday. so that made me think all she wanted me around for was money, but money was hard to come by concidering because of her my bank account ran dry. so im glad to be moved out of the house. i feel beter about my self even if i am uneployed now. but it gives me time to think about things for awhile and get my mind together. but back to the family thing. family is people that love you and will help you in any way they can. so family for me goes past blood for me. it runs into my best friendships. and they are true friends. thats really all i have to say for now.